A long time ago, my biological mum made the decision to move from Brummie over to the states so she could be with her girlfriend, Miranda, who wouldn't come to the UK because it was too cold. While I'll admit that a few good things came of this, for the most part it kinda screwed us over. The Mormons had a tiff because of that whole lesbian parenting thing, and they weren't too kind of the fact that me and my mum are Brits nor the fact that we were a Jewish family until leaving the country. So when I married my wife, who is Japanese and a nudist, things didn't go over well and our wedding was protested. One of the few safe-havens here in Utah where the Mormons can't stick their dick into everyone's delicious cake is The Tower Theatre, a crumbling old building that is a shrine for anyone who loves movies. Not only is it the only place you can rent anything with a "PG-13" or higher rating uncut now that Blockbuster signed a deal with CleanFlicks here, its also the only place that has foreign/bad/classic/independent and midnight movies. I work as a projectionist there, but last year Chie & I joined their stage group, "The Latter-day Transvestites."

Yes, The Latter Day Transvestites. A group of people that do a yearly showing of everybody's favourite transsexual rock opera: The Rocky Horror Picture show. Chie & I play Magenta and Riff-Raff, respectively, and I came down from my little camera booth to do it again this year. For the most part, it was pretty damn awesome being on stage making sure all the virgins and super virgins get their cherries popped by a thousand fat slobs and lesbians dressed as the opposite sex. (Oh, and to those people who aren't in the know, yes, Rocky Horror really is a big fucking orgy where all the virgins that come get their cherry popped. You should try it some time, just make sure to come wearing a humiliating outfit. Bring your parents too. Mwahahahaha.) Anywho, everything was going fine and dandy until it came time to read the 10 FUCKING Commandments according to Rocky Horror, and suddenly a bunch of holy bibles start flying across the theater and smacking innocent giant condoms and stage hands over the head. Just take a guess who was throwing those bibles. If you guessed a mob of angry Mormons, you're a fuckin' winner! Turns out an entire group bought out a fair chunk of seats just so they could protest the second we "Mocked god." I wish I had a chainsaw because I'm fucking tired of these assholes ruining everything, and ruining the only fun event in this shithole (I would say the Nihonmatsuri is fun, but lately its been infested with Weeaboos. Plus Chie doesn't like Buddhists, and there's a Buddhist church there.) is the last straw. I wish Maddox went to Rocky Horror, those Mormons would get a giant pirate boot so far up their assholes that afterwards it'd be about as wide as Russia.

I have nothing against religion, hell, I believe in a god and an afterlife and all that shit, but what the hell is up with the Mormons here? It's disappointing because I've met Mormons that came from other states in my travels, and they kicked ass! They actually knew how to be "Good Christians" without being Zealots. Mormons that are born OUTSIDE of Utah are awesome, so why can't Mormons born INSIDE Utah be awesome? Its supposed to be there home, but that doesn't mean they have to be pricks. Do you know what it feels like when you suffer from Chronic Migraines to have a fucking hardcover bible thwack your skull from halfway across a theatre? Yeah, it fucking sucks. I say we level Utah with nukes. The desert is pretty awesome, and although we need to put the snakes in a Fallout shelter (So that Chie & I can promptly continue eating them afterwords. Hooray for desert chicken!) nuking Utah would just make it one giant desert, and it would be a helluva lot better that way.

Blah blah blah, yak yak yak, I have diarrhea of the word processor and rant about shit that doesn't even matter. What else is new?

Horror films. The worlds BEST comedies. Every time I see a "Saw" movie or well, pretty much any slasher movie (The only two slasher movies to ever be creepy: The original Halloween, and the original Nightmare on Elm St., although to be fair Elm St. still had some comedic moments. The only good Freddy sequel was #3, although it at least accepted that it was a comedy and it had imagination.) Chie & I fall over in our seats laughing. Yet both of us are in the ever eternal pursuit of horror movies that are actually scary. As hard as it is to scare us, we love to be scared and so those rare, truly scary and/or creepy flicks always work their way into our hearts as classics. As I have been deprived of any money to hit the theaters, and BlockBuster AND Hollywood signed a deal with Cleanflicks (A Mormon owned store that sells censored PG, PG-13, and R rated movies to fit a "G" rated agenda) to censor all their flicks with a rating higher than G (Can't wait to rent something like "Clerks" or a "Clockwork Orange" from them..... Probably be less than a minute each.) so renting is out of the question until The Tower is back in operation. So I've had to stick with my DVD collection, lest I fall into the dangerous depths of movie withdrawal. While lurking around our DVD storage room, I found in a disorganized pile a copy of "Jacob's Ladder." I instantly remembered it as one of those oh so rare horror movies that actually know what "Horror" means. I asked Chie if she was okay with giving it a watch, and I had assumed she had already seen it but when she said she hadn't I popped it in so she could be introduced to this classic.

Now, in fairness, Jacob's Ladder isn't a film that will make you jump out of your seat or have you flinching in agony, nor will it incite any sort of scream, but the movie is truly scary in a bizarre, almost hard to describe way. The movie gets under your skin, much like a parasite, and begins to feed off of your emotions and abuse you with them, much like a psychiatrist. The plot, without revealing too much, revolves around a man named Jacob Singer. He lives a relatively ordinary life, he has a wife named Jezebel as well as a few kids who are in custody of his ex wife. However, the son most important to him, Gabriel (Get used to the fact that everyone has a biblical name..) was killed in an accident a few years back. Jacob is riding on a train when he suddenly has a flash back to the Vietnam war, his platoon is having a surprisingly good time, happily playing cards, smacking each others bottoms (Uhh? Since when was Vietnam a gym class locker room...), and talking about irrelevant irrelevancies. Suddenly, the camera goes bat-shit crazy as if Michael Bay suddenly took over direction, and a bunch of guys get shot and a few others die of seizures. Jacob is shot and this is when he wakes back up in Normal ville. He doesn't ever remember being in a war, and the government denies his existence. Not only that, but every time he gets in touch with a surviving member of his platoon, they die mysteriously, and Jacob catches a glimpse of a freaky ass demon with a seemingly undefinable shape. The first time we see said demon, he looks like a guy being strangled with a plastic bag. He also apparently has the ability to make tentacles come out of a woman's vagina. Never thought I'd say a tentacle was coming out for once, rather than in. That's really all of the plot I'm willing to reveal, the rest is a mystery for the viewer.

The psychological horror in Jacob's Ladder works relatively well, one scene where Jacob visits a demonic hospital that looks like something from Silent Hill (Although, in fairness, Silent Hill was based on this movie..) is easily one of the freakiest scenes I've ever seen. Its one of the first movies I've seen to use the now infamous shaky head routine, in this case a human in the hospital who appears to have lost most of his torso and has chains and hooks holding him in the air by his head, which is constantly shaking. It's pretty damn creepy, the visuals are all kinds of fucked up, but they are great. The film also knows how to pull a twist off surprisingly well. Don't be fooled, this isn't like an M. Night Shamalan movie or a Saw flick where the twist is pulled out of the directors ass so quickly that diarrhea splatters the audience. The twist in Jacob's Ladder makes sense, and its pulled off with enough emotional and disturbing grace that it leaves you with a silent and somber moment of eerie silence where you can practically hear your spine shudder... okay, maybe that's just my arthritis talking there when I hear my spine shudder, but you get my point. The film also tells a great story, and as much I HATE Tim Robbins, the acting is all relatively good and so are the special effects. It's easily Tim Robbins best role only beaten out by Shawshank. Well, truthfully, its his ONLY good role besides Shawshank. That's a completely different rant though.

So yeah, Jacob's Ladder. Creepy fucking movie, but with a great story, emotional weight, and best of all a few truly creepy moments, and one scene that's pure nightmare fuel. I'm done sucking this movies dick for now, but trust me, if you like this kind of movie you'll be pleasuring it as well. Just see it. It is worth tracking down.

So, my wife & I just got back from seeing the film 9. I was a fan of the original short film mostly because I'm into that post apocalyptic steam punk shit, and I did like the full length version, but I think it's false advertising when the adverts are saying that this is a "New Era in Animated Story telling." Not true. 9 doesn't really tell much of a story, I think the whole "New era in animated story telling" blurb is just saying, "Hey, look at me! I'm a CG movie, but I'm PG-13! That means I'm unique, right?" The story relies on a lot of cliches, and it never really develops much character. Christopher Plummer's character was the most developed, he was the only one that seemed to stand out, not counting 3 and 4, since they didn't talk. In fact, actually, I think 3 and 4 were the most interesting, because they had traits that were unique compared to the other characters, the way they moved and acted was kinda cute and made me curious what it was they were doing, the only explanation is that they were "Cataloging." Then they kinda faded into the background, though I liked them the most when they were on screen.

As an action movie though, it was cool. The scenes were well done and there was some good suspense and cliffhanger moments, and the whole post apocalyptic steam punk shit still appeals to me so I liked the visuals. They weren't textured or rendered as well as the stuff by Pixar, but the animation was very smooth and natural, and the art design was very well pronounced. The villain robot thingies especially, I loved the seamstress, imagine a mechanical gorgon crossed with an angler fish. It was snake like and did the whole petrifying its victim thing, except it both lured its victims and petrified them by using the soulless body of their friends. Genuinely creepy and cool.

So yeah, 9 is basically a popcorn flick. If you dig the dark visuals and go along with the action, it's entertaining, and it doesn't outstay it's welcome with it's modest 80 minute run time. I wouldn't call it a must see as it doesn't do anything in the story department, and I prefer movies with a plot above all, but it's a fun watch if you're in the mood for something simple. Chie & I both would give it a 3/5.

Hey there. I doubt any of you know me, but whatever. I am looking for an animator. For some time now I've wanted to put a short horror story I wrote awhile ago in some form of a movie. We almost had a live version rolling, but when the neighbours (Who are fucking Mormons) actually read the script they decided not to help me and there was no one else near by with a trained dog, which plays a part in the story. I figured maybe I could try and put it into a flash film, however I cannot afford Flash and I'm not particularly skilled at it. So I was thinking maybe I'd look around for an animator, if anyone is interested.

The basic idea of the story is about a simple man as he descends into insanity when he begins to lose sleep, waking up at exactly 3:00 AM. He begins to feel that he is 'missing' something and embarks on nightly searches before the sun rises to find what he is 'missing.' He begins to kill and commit illegal acts, but his simple mind doesn't realize what he's doing is wrong. He is simply 'searching.' Although there is a bit of the psychological stuff and what not, the second half turns a bit more into silly horror dealing a bit with zombies, although they are still relevant because I wrote the story with a 'Cosmic Justice' theme in mind.

If anyone is interested, leave a comment and I'll send you a copy of the script/screenplay. Not much voice acting is really required, only the main character and I am sure we can find sound effects for animals and objects all over the internet. I can probably voice the main character, but I'm willing to accept another voice actor if they feel they want in on the project as well.

Well, anyways, see yah later NG!